The Facade of Knowledge

Ok, here’s a moment of intense vulnerability.

When I first started this blog, I felt like I had so much knowledge to share with the world. I thought I possessed a certain wisdom that would enrich the lives of my readers. That thought felt good. It made me feel useful and important—like I was needed.

But the truth I’ve come to realize is that my desire to share and teach sometimes comes from my own insecurity of not feeling worthy or good enough. I may know my fair share of scriptures but I often don’t even know how (or I forget) to apply them in my own life. Yet I share online where everyone can see, hoping others will learn from me what I can’t even seem to learn for myself.

I’ve written several partial posts, yet I usually stop about halfway through and ask myself, “Why am I actually writing this?” Sometimes it’s something I’m frustrated about and want to address it, while other times it’s something I learned that I think everyone else should know. There are also times I start writing because I realize it’s been a while and I should probably post something to stay somewhat relevant. Yes, there are many times when my motivation is right, but I want to make sure every post is coming from a place of experience, not just something I think sounds good.

Even as I write this, I’m not exactly sure why I’m doing it. I know I want to write, and it’s the one thing I actually feel like God has called me to do. But to be honest, I don’t feel qualified and I’m constantly afraid that what I write won’t be good enough. While it’s always in the back of my mind, I usually avoid writing. Even when I force myself to sit down and write, I often lose any and all motivation and distract myself until I decide to just do something else.

I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not. Even though it was never my conscious intent, I hid behind things I’ve learned to make myself feel valuable, while all the time I’ve struggled with a feeling of not doing enough. Sure, I may know what the Bible says about all this, but those verses haven’t sunk in yet. If life was as easy as reading a Bible verse and instantly seeing it come true, none of us would get into the messes we often find ourselves in. So who am I to think that my words can magically change your life when I can’t even change my own?

I’ve decided that moving forward I need to talk about my journey rather than try to teach things I haven’t fully implemented in my own life. That said, as a Christian Cynic, my mantra—however unintentional— has sometimes been “That may be true for others, but not me.” Sure God may heal others, but not me. Sure, God might not be disappointed with everyone else, but He is with me. Sure, God may answer some prayers, but not mine. This way of thinking has subconsciously made me think that I can give but I can never really receive.

So as I move forward in vulnerability and authenticity, my hope is that I can inspire you to do the same. If I can come face to face with my uncomfortable truths on a public domain, you can do the same in your own personal life. Then, and only then, can we hope to rid ourselves of cynicism that masks itself as truth.

I will leave you with these questions:

1. What is one way you can take a step of vulnerability with someone closest to you?

2. What is one lie you have believed that has kept you from fulfilling your passion, and why do you still listen to that lie?

If you are comfortable sharing, please leave a comment below. Otherwise, I hope you will talk to at least one person about these questions! I really believe being honest with ourselves and others is absolutely crucial to living a fulfilled life, and my hope is that together we can make the world a more open and honest place.